Don’t marry a bad bacon eater is what they said
Mr T and I got married 12 years ago today.
It was a crummy week.
The rest of the world was fine, though. The rest of the world was not on fire, figuratively and literally.
We got married and we spent our wedding night on the pullout sofa bed in the basement.
NARRATOR: IT WAS NOT COMFORTABLE.
Why were we on the pullout sofa bed in the basement?
Because Mr T’s mom and dad were in our bedroom. My mom was in the guest room.
Mr T’s mom and dad had come to the wedding despite telling Mr T not to marry me and then threatening to boycott the wedding. I wish they had boycotted because then we would have felt comfortable inviting our friends. We didn’t invite our best friends to our wedding because we knew there would be drunken drama and we didn’t want to have to deal with all of that.
Mr T’s mom and dad told Mr T not to marry me because I was a gold digger who was marrying him just for his money —
NARRATOR: BUT HE DIDN’T REALLY HAVE ANY AND HIS PARENTS HAD ALREADY DISINHERITED HIM WHICH WAS FINE BECAUSE IT’S THEIR MONEY AND THEY GET TO DO WHAT THEY WANT WITH IT BUT THEN WHY DID THEY MAKE HIM THE EXECUTOR THAT’S JUST MEAN
— and because I eat bacon all wrong
NARRATOR: BUT THE BACON THING IS COMPLETELY UNFORGIVABLE.
They came to our wedding anyhow. And we didn’t invite our friends.
We should have eloped and invited our friends to the elopement.
If you have family issues and are wondering what to do about your wedding, just don’t tell your parents.
Seriously. Just cut them out. Get married without them because I promise you the drama will always be there. The drama will never leave and they will bring the drama to your wedding and you will have nothing but drama at your wedding and you won’t have your friends and for every year after, you will regret your decision.
If you cajole your mean alcoholic parents into attending your wedding anyhow – the wedding they threaten to boycott , they will attend and they will stay in your house for nine days.
NARRATOR: DO NOT LET YOUR PARENTS STAY IN YOUR HOUSE. DO NOT LET THEM STAY IN YOUR HOUSE FOR NINE DAYS
The first thing they will do after they arrive – after your husband drives to Chicago to pick them up so they can have a direct flight – is ask you to take them to the liquor store, which, in its own weird way, is the polite thing to do, as booze is not cheap and they consume a lot of it.
NARRATOR: THEY WILL STILL DRINK YOUR GOOD BOOZE BUT NOT AS MUCH OF IT
The next thing they will do is fill up on cheese and crackers with the 10 oz tumblers of bourbon at 4:00 p.m., which means they are not hungry at 7:00 p.m. when you put steak or roast chicken or whatever on the supper table just for them.
NARRATOR: HIDE YOUR $24/LB GOOD CARR VALLEY CHEESE EVEN IF THEY SAY THEY ARE LACTOSE INTOLERANT
Then they will criticize you for using cloth napkins and for hanging your laundry on a clothesline instead of using a dryer.
NARRATOR: THEY WERE ACTUALLY BIG ENVIRONMENTALISTS
They will get drunk every night.
At your wedding, they will not take photographs. When your mom is taking photos, they will not ask her to take any with them.
When you go to the lake after the wedding to take more photos with your siblings, your mom and her gentlemen caller, and Mr T’s beautiful Bonus Daughters, they will return to the house with Mr T’s brother to drink.
When your mom sends you copies of the photos to send to Mr T’s parents, they will tell Mr T they are very offended that they do not appear in any.
At the wedding supper, they will get drunk. And when Mr T’s father offers a toast, he will manage to sort of wish Mr T unhappiness – “I hope you are as happy in your second marriage as I have been”
NARRATOR: HE DID NOT APPEAR TO BE HAPPY IN HIS SECOND MARRIAGE
but he will also make it through the toast without ever once referring to Mr T’s new wife, either by name or pronoun or even the word “wife.”
The only fun parts of your wedding is when Mr T’s parents aren’t around. And there are those moments and those are the moments you treasure: the evening at the karaoke bar with your mom, her gentleman caller, and your brother and sister. The walk with Mr T’s bonus daughters. The in-between time at the lake with your mom, her caller, your siblings, and Mr T’s bonus daughters.
NARRATOR: BUT THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER EXCEPT FOR THE PEOPLE WHO DIED. THE END.