Can you do the emotional labor for your partner’s – oh heck let’s say it your husband’s – job?
I thought the days of women who existed solely to support their husband’s careers were over.
Not far from over, but over.
And yet, my friend’s Silicon Valley Google/Facebook/tech bro ex-husband told her that the reason he needed to divorce her was because she was not – and I quote – “CEO wife material.”
When their kids were little, my friend Layla’s husband was told to spend a week at an off-site meeting. And to bring his wife.
Layla and Malik had just moved to Fargo. They had no family there. They had made no friends. Layla had her own job as a nurse. How on earth was she supposed to drop everything and go out of town for a week with Malik? Who would watch their children? How would she get time off from work?
I have another friend who to this day always dresses nicely when she leaves the house, even to walk the dogs. I think she might do this no matter her life situation – she is not a slob like me, but one of the reasons she does it is because her husband is a big shot and she doesn’t want to be seen doing anything not appropriate for the wife of big shot.
(Also they are in Dallas, which matters for this story. If they lived in Minneapolis or Milwaukee, my guess is it wouldn’t matter so much – the Midwest is so much more practical about these things.)
(Or even if they were in Fort Worth. But Dallas – whew, Dallas is its own thing for sure.)
She is not expected to produce supper at the last minute when Darrin brings Larry home without warning, but her husband could never have reached his position without her hard work. He acknowledges this and he, too, has worked extremely hard. They deserve everything they have earned. But the truth remains that he could not have put in 60-hour work weeks unless he had had her support.
All that emotional labor? I guess it’s Women’s Work, according to a Bad Guy on Elsbeth.
“All that schmoozing and glad-handing,” says the judge who is actually a murderer and presided over the trial of the innocent person he framed for the murder. “It’s so undignified. Leave the pleasantries to the wives.”
But when men actually do have CEO wives, they don’t want to acknowledge it. Remember when Lorna Wendt and her GE Capital Services CEO husband divorced? She said she deserved half of everything because without her, he never would have reached his position.
Her high-school sweetheart husband of decades said she had nothing to do with his achievements.
“Gary Wendt denied his wife contributed to his success, saying in court that she had no interest in business and she wasn’t interested in his problems, leaving him very lonely in the marriage.”
The facts (including, I think I read once, that she would stand next to him at work parties and cue him about the other attendees: “That’s Bob and Betty. Their oldest kid just got into Yale. Remember we had them over for dinner last summer?”) would seem otherwise.
Also, Gary, were you interested in her problems? Were you interested in your children’s problems? Did you know the names of your children’s friends and teachers and doctors? Did you take them to get their vaccinations and physicals? Did you organize their overnights and summer camp? Do you think she might have been busy taking care of every single detail at home so you could focus on work?
In the case, Mrs. Wendt presented herself as someone who had helped put her husband through Harvard Business School, gave up her career as a music teacher to rear two daughters, created an elegant home, gave dinner parties for his clients and co-workers, accompanied him on business trips and provided daily support — all of which contributed to his success.
(Don’t you love how the Times says that Lorna “presented herself” as opposed to stating things as fact? It would be pretty easy to verify that someone did indeed work while her husband attended grad school, then quit her job to raise the children rather than hire a full-time nanny, then threw dinner parties and accompanied him on trips. These are all facts. Not speculation.)
The courts were all, “But is it really work for a spouse to take care of everything at home?”
But the case — which also sparked countless office water-cooler arguments and much concern in C-suites — also hinged on two tricky legal questions.
One was whether a stay-at-home wife should be considered an equal partner for the sake of dividing marital assets that had been largely, or completely, acquired as a result of the corporate husband’s job.
Connecticut law requires an “equitable distribution” of marital assets — not an automatic 50-50 split. And “equitable” in the courts often translated into “not nearly as much as 50 percent” for many stay-at-home corporate wives.
Lorna did the work that men do not value and do not want to do themselves. She did the emotional labor. (Emphasis mine.)
She later told Fortune, “I complemented him by keeping the home fires burning and by raising a family and by being CEO of the Wendt corporation and by running the household and grounds and social and emotional ties so he could get out and work very hard at what he was good at.”
She earned every cent.
I would have made a lousy CEO wife. I hate dressing up and washing my hair and putting on makeup even for formal occasions, much less for running to the store or the library or anything where exercise clothes and a ponytail will do. I hate being nice to people just because they are “important.” I hate work suppers and making small talk with people I can’t be honest with.
I don’t even know the other rules for being a CEO wife. They are as opaque to me as the rules for being CEO itself. (Although I know one main CEO rule – be in possession of a white penis.)
I am not CEO wife material. I am not CEO material.
My friend’s ex?
Still not a CEO.
Apparently ditching the inappropriate wife and picking up a younger model and having the oh so essential white penis is not enough.
But thanks to California’s community property laws, he has lost half his wealth in the process with no debate about if his wife had anything to do with his success.
Oh well.
Texan in Exile 