What on earth is wrong with QUIET?

Would everyone and everything in my life please shut up?

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You know what I want? Not world peace. Not an end to hunger. Not – whatever else that is Big and Important.

I want a microwave that does not beep.

I want appliances that do not beep.

More specifically, I want a microwave that does not been at 6:44 a.m. on a Sunday when my houseguest, who, until now, has been sleeping quietly in the upstairs guestroom, whence I cannot hear a single thing, warms something.

I want a microwave that does not beep at 6:44 a.m. on a Sunday when my houseguest warms something even though I. Was. Still. Asleep.

And now I am not. I am no longer asleep.

And not only am I no longer asleep, neither are the cats, who know what the microwave sound means – a human is at the microwave.

And if a human is at the microwave, a human is available to feed them.

Now.

They want to eat now.

They are Siamese and they are loud (well, one of them is loud, but she is loud enough for two or for a thousand) and they want to eat now.

This?

This is why I hate beeping appliances.

I hate appliance beeps and I hate appliance lights and I hate everything about them except the function they perform.

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This? This is when a beeper would be useful. This is when I need to be alerted.

I don’t need my dryer to remind me every 17 seconds that HEY HEY HEY STUFF IS DRY! Because you know why?

Because if the dryer beeps every 17 seconds once the load is complete, that means I cannot throw clothes in the dryer before I go to bed and sleep. It means I have to hear the beeping, which penetrates wood and space and time to reach my trying to sleep ears.

I don’t need a beeping microwave. I am not multitasking that much that I have to be reminded that two minutes and 45 seconds ago, I put a cup of coffee in the microwave and NOW IT’S READY IT’S READY IT’S READY.

I don’t need the lights on everything. I spend 15 minutes every first night in a hotel finding and covering all the stupid appliance lights. There’s a light on the TV, even though the TV is off. There are unwanted night lights in the bathroom. There’s a light on my computer cord. There’s a light on the coffee machine.

DESIGNERS! I AM NOT MAKING COFFEE IN THE DARK! IF I WANT TO TURN THE TV ON, I CAN TURN ON A LAMP! AND YOU DO NOT NEED TO POKE POKE POKE ME EVERY TIME A LOAD OF LAUNDRY IS DONE OR THE OATMEAL IS WARM!

Would everything please just shut the heck up?

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