What Women Want

Hint: It’s not a photo of your penis. Or anyone’s penis.

New York Mets general manager Jared Porter sent explicit, unsolicited texts and images to a female reporter in 2016, culminating with a picture of an erect, naked penis, according to a copy of the text history obtained by ESPN.

ESPN.com

Men.

Relationship advice.

This is not how to attract a woman.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.


Porter acknowledged texting with the woman. He initially said he had not sent any pictures of himself. When told the exchanges show he had sent selfies and other pictures, he said that “the more explicit ones are not of me. Those are like, kinda like joke-stock images.”

ESPN.com
  1. WAIT THERE ARE JOKE STOCK IMAGES OF PENISES?

2. He thought the fact that it wasn’t actually his own penis made it OK?


How To Attract A Woman 101

  1. Women do not want to see a photo of your genitalia.
  2. Women especially do not want to see a photo of your genitalia if they have never seen your genitalia in person.

I realize I may not speak for all women #NotAllWomen, but I can tell you that I speak for me and never once in my entire life have I thought, “You know what I want right now? I want a man I am not even dating – a professional connection – to send me a photo of a penis.”

And – I am going out on a limb here, but I am going to say it, I bet that there is not a single woman anywhere in the world who has mused to herself as she is just trying to do her job, “If only that professional contact I have met only a few times would send me a photo of a penis. It doesn’t have to be his penis – any penis will do.”

(See: Sleeping Your Way To The Top.)


Wait – I cannot let this go

I wanted to write something light and funny about the proper way to attract a woman, but I am getting really angry reading the entire story.

The woman, meanwhile, returned to her home country and left the journalism industry altogether. She now works in finance.

While she said the fallout of the texts from Porter wasn’t the sole reason for leaving the industry, it caused her to think about her future — and how remaining around baseball long term was simply untenable.

“It would be a lie to say similar occurrences hadn’t happened to me in [my home country],” she said. “It’s a male-dominated industry. But it was a tipping point for me. I started to ask myself, ‘Why do I have to put myself through these situations to earn a living?'”

ESPN.com

You know what? I will leave it to you to read the entire story and get angry for yourselves. I don’t need to dissect this. This is still the water we swim in. I am going to return to Relationship Coaching.


How to Attract A Woman 101

Course overview

In this class, you will learn proven techniques to get the (positive) attention of the women you want to date!

Follow along with our simple strategies that will first of all, keep you from breaking the law and/or losing your job during your pursuit of your feminine ideal.

Learn how Hollywood has lied to you – that stalking the Object of Your Affection Who Is Otherwise Unknown To You does not usually win in the end.

Discover how you don’t even have to spend a lot of money to get a woman to like you!

Stay out of jail, keep your job and your reputation, and have a happy relationship all with our easy, proven Love Strategies(TM). You can do it!


Case Study #1

My friend Susan was entranced with a man we had just met at a party.

“I think he likes me!” she said.

I laughed. “Susan, he’s gay!”

“What?” she asked. “How do you know that?”

“Well, first of all, he said he would like to spank Al Gore, which was a dead giveaway. But second, do you remember when he asked what you thought about something? And then waited for your answer? And listened to what you had to say?”

She nodded.

“Straight men don’t do that. Or they rarely do that.”

#NotAllMen I KNOW.


How to Attract A Woman 101

What Not To Do

In this class, we will review a few things not to do. Although you may have seen these techniques used in fiction, they are not usually effective in real life.

  • Do not send her a photo of your genitalia.
  • Do not show up unannounced at her job
  • Do not have sex with her mother, then show up at her wedding and expect her to run away with you
  • Although it pains me so, so much to say this, because I adored Lloyd Dobler, do not show up at her house with a boombox and blast a song to her.
  • Wait. I’m taking that one back. If you are already dating and you love each other and her dad is trying to keep you apart because he thinks you don’t have anything to offer his daughter because your dream is to be a kickboxer, then you have my permission to show up at her house with your boombox and play “In Your Eyes,” one of the best songs ever.
  • Do not send her a photo of your genitalia.
  • Do not send her a photo of your genitalia.
  • Do not send her a photo of another man’s genitalia.
  • Do. Not. Send. Photos. Of. Genitalia.

How to Attract A Woman 101

What To Do, Part 1

In this class, we will discuss new strategies that you may not have considered. These are proven strategies, based on research with actual women, that impress women. If you are interested in reaching your goal – spending time with the woman of your dreams, these are tested, effective ways to get to that goal.

But before we start, there is a major caveat:

Do not try these with women at work. Women at work are off limits. For all practical and romantic purposes, the women you work with and encounter in your professional capacity are robots.

These techniques are for women you meet outside of work.

  • If you have just met the woman and she is not clearly trying to get away, ask for her opinion about a current event. Then – and this is the hard part, so you will want to practice with a trusted friend, Listen to the answer.
  • Let me repeat – do not send her photos of your genitalia or the genitalia of anyone else.

Let’s break into pairs and practice. Everyone get a partner. After you ask your question, you will need to press your lips together and keep them together for at least one minute. Time yourselves.

Then, while your lips are pressed together, focus on your partner’s face. Up. Up. Not the boobs. The face. What are the words coming out of your partner’s mouth?

Repeat the words back to your partner. This is not necessarily something you will do with the Object of Your Affection, but it’s a technique to learn to listen to the words someone else is saying.

This will be very difficult, but will get easier with practice. Practice at home with your roommate, your pet, or your mom.

Good class! I’ll see you next week!


How to Attract A Woman 101

What To Do, Part 2

In today’s class, we are going to learn about techniques that are best employed once you already have a relationship or maybe are even married.

Yes! Even in marriage, we need to continue to impress our partners!

But first, a reminder.

Do not send her photos of your genitalia. Or of someone else’s genitalia.

I cannot stress this enough.

No dick pix. Ever.

OK. Now it’s time for us to review some more advanced techniques for engaging the positive attention of the Object of Your Affection.

I know you want to do something dramatic, like send a photo.

Or save her from a burning building.

(Do not set a building on fire so you can rescue her.)

Instead, focus on everyday things that can make her life easier.

What do I mean by this?

  • Vacuum.
  • Wash the dishes.
  • Do the laundry.
  • Take out the trash.
  • Replace the burned-out lightbulb.
  • Make the bed.
  • Complete any household task that you think that women should be in charge of.

And here is the key. You have to do it without ASKING FOR AND EXPECTING CREDIT. Specifically,

  • Do it without being asked.
  • Do it without announcing you have done it.
  • Do it without any expectation of recognition or praise.

Let’s break into pairs and practice. Pick a partner and then each of you, do a simple task in this room – put some books away, pick up a piece of trash, and then – and I know this will be really hard, say nothing.

That’s right.

Say. Nothing.

Your homework is to pick one task a day – a task you usually do not perform, and do it. Do not draw attention to it. Do not ask for praise or recognition. Just do it.

If you are not living with the Object of Your Affection, then repeat the homework from Part 1, which is to ask her opinion and then listen to the answer. This can be done over the phone.


How to Attract A Woman, Graduate Seminar

Advanced Strategies To Regain Love After You Have Stupidly Broken Up With The Object Of Your Affection

In this seminar, we will address how to get her back.

That is, if you break up with a woman but then realize you do indeed want to be with her, you need to be very careful about your approach.

Let’s start with a case study of how not to do it. Read this study below – Case study #2 – and then let’s discuss what you think our friend did wrong.

Case study #2

Boris, in Paris, and Natasha, in the US, dated for nine months. This was a long-distance relationship, but they did travel together in France for a week and Boris traveled to the US frequently for work and would see Natasha then.

For Boris’ birthday, Natasha found a rare, single-batch American bourbon that he could not get in Europe, where he lived. She called five different liquor stores to see if they carried it, drove across town to buy it, and then carefully transported it from the US to France when she went to see Boris. (Plus it cost $50. For one bottle. Of booze.)

For Natasha’s birthday, Boris rubbed his hands in glee and said repeatedly, “Just wait until you see what I got you!”

Natasha expected something Big. A rare European chocolate? A sweater hand knit from the fur of white kittens? A weekend in London?

Boris sent Natasha an e-card.

Yes.

An e-card.

And nothing else.

So.

Then Boris broke up with Natasha, telling her he was not ready for a commitment.

Natasha moved on.

Months later, Boris emailed Natasha. He had to come to the US for work and wanted to see her. Natasha needed to let him know ASAP because there was only one cheap ticket left on the weekend flight.

Natasha, who cannot bear Not To Know and who Hates A Mystery, said sure whatever.

They met at the most expensive restaurant Natasha could find.

(Boris hated to be separated from a penny.)

Here is a summary of the conversation:

Boris: I am getting married.

Natasha: That’s great! To whom?

Boris: You know her.

Natasha: ???????

Boris: It’s YOU!

Natasha: ??????

Boris: I want to have children. I want to start a dynasty.

Natasha: ??????



For your homework, please write a 1,200 word essay on what Boris did wrong and what he could have done differently.

We will discuss next week.

BTW, Natasha did not marry Boris.

7 thoughts on “What Women Want

  1. Goldie, quit looking for a job! Instead, start your own company and sell “No Dick Pix” paraphernalia (sp?) – tee-shirts, sweatshirts, mugs, and mouse pads for a start. I think you could retire in six months. Seriously.

    ps: I need a medium Tee, a mug and mouse pad. Please send invoice when you ship.

    Like

  2. SO true about, well, everything! My husband of 48 years makes our bed every morning, notices (!) when the trash needs taking out and does it, AND does all the cooking and grocery shopping. Several of my friends have called dibs on him, should I predecease him.

    Like

  3. Since it became A Thing, I’ve had one rule about genitalia pictures: “If you want a picture of it, you’ll have to take it yourself.” That way, it will meet your composition standards.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. All of your wisdom spells big-time, Mari Kondo-like popularity and fame and fortune to me! Getting and retaining the attention of the appropriate audience may be an issue, but you’ll figure it out. And it reminds me of why I married my husband after auditioning him for ten years. (Not a single dick pic, and he has no notion of boy- or girl-linked household tasks).

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha! I would be happy to have fortune, but would rather not have fame. I would have to take a shower every day for that, right? 🙂 But thank you so much! And Mr T is the same – no dick pix and he does all the housework except for cleaning the bathroom. I feel like that’s a fair trade!)

      Like

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