Working for The Man

When a person wonders if pants are really necessary for a job interview

On the right is Rosa, the director of the agency where I worked as a Peace Corps volunteer in Chile.

So you know I have been looking for a job.

I spent August and September volunteering on election stuff. I helped some local candidates in October and Mr T and I did our regular shifts at the food bank, which I love love love because for three hours, I don’t think about anything else but sorting produce or finding some kind of protein – canned beans, tuna, peanut butter – to pack in the boxes of shelf-stable foods to be sent to the food pantries.

Grocery stores? I want to thank you for donating food to the food bank, but I gotta say that chips, candy, and salad dressing are not really what hungry people need. I am not going to waste box space on a bag of potato chips. I want to fill that space with oatmeal or rice or pasta sauce or of course any kind of protein.

What was I talking about?

OK. So Mr T and I both worked the polls on election day and then we were going to quarantine and then we thought we might as well put the quarantine to good use and drive to visit my mom, but ten days after the election, the covid numbers got really bad because of all the stupid people who refuse to believe it’s real and who are ruining it for the rest of us.

So that’s when I started applying for jobs again.

And – this is bizarre – I started getting interviews right away.

This is not how my life has been I assure you. It took me 18 months to find a job again after I returned from the Peace Corps, even though I KILLED IT when I was in Chile. We developed new products, increased sales, increased margins, reduced costs, streamlined operations. I was very happy with my work there.

So I have been getting interviews and I have discovered there is this new evil in interviewing also known as the video interview.

What fresh hell is this?

Can’t we just talk on the phone like normal people?

I do not have to see someone to have a conversation. Lord have mercy.

But I am not in a position to tell people no, so I grit my teeth and agree to the video interview.

One company sent me tips for video interviewing. Including the instruction to dress professionally on the bottom as well as on the top because I might have to stand up.

Which – my plan had been to wear my running tights on the bottom and not move once my butt was in the seat.

But then I worried that they might trick me into standing up.

So now I have to wear actual pants.

Which I have not done in – how long has it been?

I have been living an Elastic Life AND I LIKE IT.

Also – nobody outside of Mr T has seen my lower face in months and months.

But I suppose I need to remove the mask for the call.

Which means I need to make sure that my teeth – which I hate, by the way – don’t have anything stuck in them.

I have not had to worry about stuff being stuck in my teeth for months AND I LIKE IT.

Another thing I had to think about was how puffy my eyes were. I had made a big batch of stuffed cabbage with sauerkraut the day I got two of the interviews. I woke up the next morning with a puffy face and puffy eyes and I thought, I cannot interview like this I look old and old is not good.

So I have not eaten any more of that delicious stuffed cabbage and I have not eaten anything else with extra salt like chicharrones even though I want to stress eat.

I had to make sure I was bathed with decent hair.

But it was going to work out. One interview was Monday afternoon and the next was Tuesday morning. Yes, that would mean showering two days in a row (oh don’t judge me like you’re showering and doing your hair every day? NO YOU ARE NOT YOU LIAR), but it would reduce the salt-free diet time.

Only – yesterday after Interview 1, I checked the email about Interview 2 again and discovered that I had misread Thursday for Tuesday.

So now the shower schedule is better but I have to wait a few more days before I can eat what I want!

I had to find makeup – just some mascara and some light eye shadow – otherwise, my eyes just disappear.

My hair?

Hahahahahaha.

I have not been to a salon since January, which means I have not had my highlights done since January and which also means I have been cutting my own hair because I don’t like it long.

I look a mess. I don’t want to wear clothes that hurt. My teeth. Ick. My teeth.

Working stinks.

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