Really is there anything sexier than a man doing housework? Not to me
I was messaging with a college friend, E$ (pronounced “E Money”). We knew each other in college but ran in different circles but now it’s corona time and I’m unemployed and I have time and we are on facebook and dang, it’s nice to talk to people who already sort of get you who aren’t the same people in the house with you with whom you have had the same conversation like a gakillion times.
I was going to correct that “gakillion” to “gajillion” but then I thought nah let the Freudian chips fall where they may.
Anyhow. E$ and I were messaging and she’s hilarious and wonderful and we are both wondering why we didn’t hang out more in college and then we remembered that we were busy with other things back then but isn’t it nice that we can be friends now?
She asks if I knew her husband, whom we shall call Mr E$, when we were in college. She, too, married a guy from our college (which is Rice U, as should be obvious from the sweatshirt that Mr T is wearing in the photo above, although perhaps not everyone knows what a Rice Owl is, I guess), although she didn’t wait until our 20 year reunion to find a Used Husband.
Yes, I tell her. I did. I mean, I knew who her husband was because we had several mutual friends.
And then I think about what to say next because this is kind of delicate and possibly weird but then I think oh for pete’s sake it’s been over 30 years —
OMG we are old when did we get so old?
I remember bartending when I was in college. I was bartending at Homecoming at the 35 year reunion event. One of the attendees was asking me about my major and school and all kinds of stuff and all I could think of was, “YOU ARE SO OLD YOU ARE OLDER THAN MY DAD.”
He looked at me as if he knew what I was thinking, gave me a small smile, and said, “It all goes so fast.”
And he was right. It’s been over 30 years – 35! 35 years! – since that happened and I still remember every word he said. It. Goes. So. Fast.
So we are old. It’s been 35 years since we were in college and I would not recognize Mr E$ if he walked up my driveway, so I say, “Ummmm. How do I say this? He was hot. I thought.”
E$ laughs (I imagine) and agrees with me (I know, because she writes it).
Whew. Because I didn’t want her to think I was coming on to her husband, whom I have not seen in decades. It was more of, We are women we share intimacies as part of our conversation.
Then we have a long conversation about the business E$ and some partners started a year ago, which, is the typical business for Women of a Certain Age – a grow operation. And it’s going well. So that’s cool.
And then I have to go because Mr T is vacuuming and he is about to vacuum by me and I do not want to stifle his muse ever.
I send E$ a photo to prove to her that I am not blowing her off – that Mr T is indeed vacuuming by my computer.
And she replies by noting that Mr E$, he does not vacuum.
To which I reply – well, there is the employment/housework tradeoff.
Mr E$ Is Still Hot
Two days later, she messages me again.
E$: So, remember when you said Mr E$ is hot? I just watched him vacuum bits of Cool Ranch Doritos off of his bare belly.
E$: Marital nadir achieved.
Me: You don’t think that’s hot?
E$: I guess I can’t complain anymore that Mr E$ doesn’t vacuum.
And Then Something Happens
And then two days after that, E$ scares me. I worry that there is something really wrong. It’s Saturday morning and I see a desperate message from her. “Everything I knew to be true is no longer true.”
Crap. I know she has three kids.
I know she has a new business.
I know she’s married.
What horrible thing could have happened to my friend?
I am so worried.
My phone buzzes with a facebook messenger call, but I can’t figure out how to answer it in time.
In a few minutes, there is another message.
“Trying to figure out how to use the video thing on this phone so I can show you what is shaking my foundations.”
Now I’m really scared.
And then I see this.
It’s a video.
Of Mr E$.
It’s a COVID-19 Miracle.
A tear comes to my eye.
It’s more than a tear for E$.
E$: This can be viewed only as foreplay. I’m sure of that.
Me: Seriously one of the hottest things I have ever seen.
Me: Also, the fifth horseman.
So my friends. Heed this warning. Husbands are vacuuming.
The end of the world is coming, one way or another.
But either way, we are going out with a bang.