This is not what I thought I would want to do with my nights when I was 16
This weekend, Mr T and I went to Chicago. I was dreaming of one morning – just one – one morning in one week in one month in one year in one life where I did not have to be awakened against my will, either by an alarm clock at 5:54 a.m., an alarm clock summoning me to work for The Man, whose jackboot pressing against my neck is getting more and more oppressive and that’s about all I can say about that here except if you ever thought there was solidarity among women you would be abso-damn-lutely wrong, or by the desperate cry of a cat who has not eaten in 13 hours and is sure that starvation is imminent.
We went to Chicago. We took the train down and our friends picked us up and we saw amazing sights at Open House Chicago, including – we are crazy romantic fun this way, but honest, this is super interesting, the Terrence J. O’Brien Water Reclamation Plant and a concrete factory.
We had dinner and then they dropped us off for our hotel, which Mr T had gotten for free with some credit card deal, so we cannot complain about free – I will never complain about free, and Mr T went for a Chicago beer and I went to bed because I WANTED TO SLEEP and Mr T wanted a beer.
I want to sleep more than I want almost anything else in the world.
A co-worker with a nine-month old lamented how her life has changed.
New mom co-worker: My friends asked if I wanted to go out on Saturday but I would rather sleep than go out!
Two other older co-workers and me: Yeah, we would rather sleep than have sex.
New mom: WHAT? I WILL NEVER!
Co-worker with two kids who sits by me after I tell her the story: Amateur. She’ll learn.
I went to sleep.
I went to sleep and at some point in the night, Mr T came to bed but I did not hear him because Mr T is very considerate and does not make noise when he comes to bed.
I was sleeping happily (except of course for getting up to pee several times because I had been throwing back the water because I had not wanted to get another migraine – thank you for reappearing in my life, migraines – again, thank you WORK) until THE F***ING ALARM CLOCK WENT OFF AT 5:35 A.M.
You read that properly.
I fumbled and found the clock and touched and pressed until every button I could until the noise stopped.
I fell back asleep.
And guess what happened then?
THE ALARM WENT OFF AGAIN.
I had merely hit the snooze button.
What kind of evil was this?
I woke up again.
Mr T woke up.
No he had not woken up the first time.
What is this thing where men can sleep through noise that wakes women up?
So of course he has to talk, which wakes me up even more.
I am not willing to turn on a light to figure out how to turn the alarm off, so I just yanked the cord out of the wall.
But I ask –
- What kind of evil is that makes someone design an alarm clock for a hotel that is hard to turn off?
- And what kind of hotel does not have as part of its room-cleaning process a step to ensure that the alarm is turned off?
- And what kind of evil previous guest does not turn off the alarm?
When I finally got up, not well rested at all, I plugged the clock back in and turned off the alarm, because I am not evil. The snooze button was literally a button, but to turn the alarm off, you have to slide a button over to “off,” which is not something a half-asleep person would figure out in the night.
I hate you, alarm clock company.