When your doctor is a yute

And he’s fun to talk to, but I feel guilty wasting his time

orange shoes 1
Part of my long-term health plan involves Fabulous Shoes. With Fabulous Shoes like these, a person is motivated to engage with The World. It’s a reason to take a shower, to leave the house, to stay fit. Shoes are the key.

So I had to have a physical, even though there is nothing wrong with me except I am cheap and I am willing to go to the doctor and even be poked if it means I save a couple hundred dollars.

So now we know my price.

Being poked, dreading having blood taken, risking passing out – all for a couple hundred dollars.

Related story: I interviewed Byron Reese, a futurist, for work. We talked about the Industrial Revolution and the digital revolution and what it All Means and he asked me how much money someone would have to pay me for me never to use the internet again and I said you will take my smart phone out of my cold, dead hands.

So I guess I have a high price and a low price. Or something.

Anyhow. My doctor from before retired. My vet retired. My hairdresser is about to retire, which is the hardest one of all.

So this new doc is in his mid-30s and I really like him but I feel like I am just wasting his time because I am not sick and I do not need to be at the doctor.

Although our conversation two years ago, when he first became my doctor, was useful:

Doc: Why are you still taking birth control pills? You are 53.

Me: Because I stopped taking them last spring and I got really bad acne.

Doc: You are a migraineur. The pill at your age plus migraines puts you at risk for stroke. Stop. Right. Now.

Me: But my skin…

Doc: You. Could. Die.

Me: OK.

So that one was worth it.

But now, this is what it sounds like when you are a Woman of A Certain Age Who Has Nothing Wrong With Her:

Doc: How are things?

Me: Well, I am still not menopausing. I mean, I had a bunch of hot flashes, which are not pleasant, but then they stopped, but then I got a period again, so now I am worried that I will get more hot flashes and they don’t even make me warm in the winter, they just make me miserable.

Doc: Yeah, that could happen as your body adjusts to the changes.

Me: And I STILL HAVE THE ACNE.

Doc: Yes. That happens.

Me: And everything hurts all the time. My muscles are always sore.

Doc: Oh?

Me: Yes. I exercise! I’m reasonably fit! But when I wake up, everything is sore.

Doc: Yes, that happens.

Me: AND MY ARMS! WHAT HAPPENED?

Doc: What do you mean?

Me: Here. Feel my biceps. Feel them. I’m strong! I have been working out with weights for years! But MY ARMS! THEY ARE FLABBY!

Doc: Yes, that happens.

Me: And I hate coming for stupid physicals and tests when I am perfectly healthy.

Doc: Sometimes we do find things. But you’ll be glad to know that as you get older, we do fewer screenings.

Me: ??

Doc: Less time to live.

Me: Oh yeah. Makes sense.

And then we talked about Spain, where he spent a semester in college.

And I left and got my stupid blood draw, but only after Planning The Revolution with the fabulous receptionist, T, who is going to be in charge of reforming health care once we take over.

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