Upper Midwest Makeup Tricks

The topic of pantyhose will be addressed in a future post, but – my Southern sisters? We don’t wear hose up here for style.


Before I moved to Wisconsin, I had A Winter Coat.


One. Winter. Coat.

Because that’s what I needed. That’s what a person needs in Texas and in Memphis.

Then I moved here and discovered that One Winter Coat Is Not Enough.

You guys – it’s cold here.

I discovered that you don’t care how ugly a coat or a hat is as long as you are warm.

I discovered that coats are rated for certain temperatures and if you take the bus to work that you want a coat rated for 15 below zero.

You have the Waiting At The Bus Stop Coat and you have the It’s Not Quite Spring Yet Coat and you have the We’re Going Someplace Nice Coat (which is never warm enough).

Underneath the coat, if you are waiting at the bus stop, you wear fleece-lined tights underneath and sweatpants on top. The sweatpants are removed once you get to work but the fleece-lined tights stay.

This is how it happens in Milwaukee. It’s probably different in Spendthrift Chicago, where the second you walk into a public building,  you start tearing your clothes off because it’s so hot.

In German Milwaukee, buildings are cold. Behind every thermostat is a grandmother shaking her head and saying, “Just put on a sweater.”

I need to point out that the German grandma telling you to put on a sweater is very different from the Cuban abuela telling you the same thing.

The abuela is worried you will catch your death of cold.

The German is worried you will increase the heating bill.

Why did I even start writing this?

Oh. Because I wanted to talk about what else needs to happen when it’s cold.

You probably put your makeup on at home. If you put it on in the car – which is the easy way to do it because you can actually see your eyes when you are sticking sharp things near them, you can do that easily, too.

Now put your mascara in the freezer for a few hours and then try to apply it.


Now you know why since the beginning of November, every morning when I get my keys out of my purse to walk out of the house, I stick my mascara in my bra.

For purposes of the photo, I put the mascara in my boot.

(My snow boot.)(One of several pairs of winter boots that I own.)

It takes at least ten minutes of body heat to get the mascara warm enough to apply.


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